“You must be the change you wish to see in the world”- Mahatma Ghandi
This morning a dear friend, I’ll call Gail, called to tell me the results of a conversation she just had with a friend who is also a business colleague. They’ve known each other for years and used to do business together until a year ago when their relationship hit some bumps that didn’t get resolved.
Gail has a wonderfull attitude when it comes to working through problems. While many people look at conflicts as negative experiences to be avoided or have expectations of them becoming arguments that end poorly, Gail pursues conversations with an open and loving heart.
Whenever she experiences conflicts with others, her first step is to look within herself for answers. She’s been on a quest for spiritual enlightenment and personal growth for many years and has come to believe that the people who push our buttons serve us to grow in many ways. She consistently looks at how she shows up with people and takes 100% responsibility for who she is and what she does. She says, ” My friend is really working for me!” Looking at her expectations, beliefs, attitude, past hurts, and desires helps her to gain clarity about what we wants for herself. She’s then able to expand her viewpoint to a higher truth in creating a different reality.
Instead of reacting to her friend by taking things personally, Gail approached the conversation with compassion, empathy, and curiosity.
Her intention was to hear what her friend was thinking and feeling without trying to fix anything, defend her point of view, or make anything happen to rebuild their friendship. Her desire was to show up authentically, take responsibility for herself, and invite whatever healing might be possible between them without any attachment to the outcome.
In their conversation, Gail was able to hear and sense the fears and concerns her friend was experiencing and respond with love and appreciation.
Three ways we get “hooked” into reacting to people and situations
1. We make assumptions. We unconsciously react believing we understand what is happening. Assumptions can become an automatic conditioned response based on past experiences and what we believe is true. Have you ever heard the word assume broken down? When you assume, you make an “ass of u & me”. Words, phrases, beliefs, and perspectives mean different things for each person. When you assume you know what the other person means, thinks and feels, you can only know what anything means for you, not them. Some people are afraid to ask questions because they worry about looking dumb or think they should know what the other person wants. Making assumptions that are off the mark can create a lot of stress and pain. Be open to realize you might not know something! Be willing to ask for clarity so that you can eliminate assumptions that might cause conflicts and misunderstandings. Communication is an important element in fostering trust and building deeper connections.
2. We take things personally. We can feel invalidated, disrespected, attacked, unheard…The truth is that most of the time, if not all of the time, the things we take personally have nothing to do with us. Our reactions stem from the beliefs and insecurities we have about ourselves, others, and the world. As a psychotherapist and coach, I have found that personalizing is one of the main ways people experience conflicts in relationships causing many misunderstandings and hurtful feelings.
And, when your self-care is off (your life is out of balance), the tendency to overreact, become irritable, defensive, and take things personally becomes much stronger and likely to occur. That’s usually a signal to me that I’m out of alignment and need to do some things to nurture myself!
Compassionate detachment is a skill that is mastered. It is the ability to step into the position of an observer to the experience, like watching a movie and being fully engaged with the story without becoming the story. Being able to come into conversations in a charge neutral space takes practice and personal growth.
3. The delivery of the information or experience feels uncomfortable, bad, offensive.. I have often heard people say they the main problem they have with another person is not what they said, it was how they said or did something. While you are not 100% responsible for how people interpret what you say and do and what they create for themselves, you are responsible for how you show up for people. Hey – that’s how you work for each other!
