Very often, fear is what keeps us from maximizing our contacts with other people. Human beings are full of fears: fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of looking ignorant or stupid, fear of hearing that four letter word: NO. So, what do we do? We procrastinate, we rationalize: “Oh, he’ll never agree to that, why bother asking, he’ll just say ‘no.’”
Don’t let fear keep you from asking. What you must remember is that the thing you should really be afraid of is missing an opportunity because you didn’t make the contact.
There is a story from Harvey Mackay that goes like this: In 1990 the then Soviet Premier Mikhail Gorbachev announced plans to visit the United States. Everyone assumed he’d visit Washington, D.C. However, Rudy Perpich, the Governor of Minnesota, thought that perhaps Gorbachev might like to visit some other parts of the country. So he wrote him a letter. And he asked seventy Russian students on the campus at the University of Minnesota to write him letters as well telling him how great it would be for him to see the Heartland of the US.
Perpich asked for the visit, risked being turned down, and to everyone’s astonishment, he got what he wanted. For a day in June, Minnesota was able to welcome one of the most influential leaders in modern history.
Now this is a quote from Mackay’s book:
“The moral? Never say no for the other guy. Most people avoid risks their whole life by assuming the other guy is going to say no. … All you have to do is ask. I guarantee you, if you get enough nos, you’re bound to get a few yeses. So don’t say no for anyone. You never know when you’ll create for yourself an opportunity of a lifetime.
Is your focus on short-term gain, or a long term relationship? If it’s the former, you’re going to have difficulty connecting with people because most folks can detect someone who has a motive or agenda. You must first establish acceptance and a friendship and you do this by taking a genuine interest in other people. Demonstrate through active listening (look it up if you’re not sure what that means) that you not only want to get to know them but you want to learn from them. Most people are flattered when someone asks their opinion on anything; people love to share their knowledge and opinions. And ask questions.
The sooner you find something you have in common with the other person, the sooner the connection will occur. It’s the common ground that gives you something to talk about with them and you need to be willing to invest the time and effort to uncover the things you may have in common.
About the Author:
The Balanced WorkLife Company is dedicated to helping the best get better while they enjoy the journey. Our programs give you access to tools and methodologies that allow you to break through the barriers and achieve your goals while also helping you enjoy a balance between and within your job, your career and your personal life. Whether you are a seasoned professional or just starting your career, the Balanced WorkLife Company can help you achieve your ultimate potential. To learn more, visit http://www.valuebasednetworking.com and download our free report “The 16 Most Common Networking Mistakes to Avoid,” which is jam-packed with information to help you develop and build long-lasting business and social relationships.
One reply on “Fear and Relationships: Two More Tips for Value Based Networking”
Great article.
I liked the Gorbachav story. When I think of not letting fear of failure get in the way of attempting to succeed I always think of a story my Father always tells.
He was a LT. in the army at the time and wanted to get his orders changed. Everyone told him it couldn’t be done, so he took a weeks vacation, drove to Washington DC and made an appointment with the General in charge of personal (so far above his pay grade that they literally breathe different air)
Anyhow by the end of it all the General was impressed that my Dad actually had the balls to approach him like that and basically gave him what he wanted.
I guess the moral is that no matter what people tell you otherwise, you can never really know the answer until you try.