Month: June 2009

How about those times when you feel frustrated or beat yourself up because you haven’t changed a behavior or achieved a goal you say you want? Perhaps it’s a change of behavior or a goal that you haven’t been able to achieve. You’ve tried with some limited success and you continue to backslide. Maybe you haven’t even taken the first step because you feel afraid.

So, let’s say there is a change you feel ready to make even if you feel afraid or resistant. You know inside that it is time to shift from thinking and talking about what you want into DOING. Being actively engaged in demonstration through action is a critical factor in manifestation when you say YES to what you want and who you are meant to be.

Common desires include:
* Reducing weight, living a healthier lifestyle
* Financial freedom, having a steady flow of abundance
* A loving relationship with a soul mate
* Health, energy, vitality
* Making money doing what you love
* Inner peace and joy

When we begin moving past our comfort level, our ego/mind begins to freak out with fear. Sometimes our panic is obvious. We feel physical sensations: heart beating fast, dry throat, shallow breathing, a sense of panic or urgency, or a knot on our stomach. When our conscious or subconscious thoughts, are fixed on imagined events that may or may not ever happen the future, fear can turn to panic.

Uncertainty, feeling out of control can send us zooming into sabotage. When people unconsciously feel powerless or “trapped” they look for ways to feel more in control which can often be projected by trying to control others. In the throes of fear and distress our human instinct is to grab onto something that creates the illusion of control so we can breathe a sigh of relief. We feel like we have been saved as if we were downing in deep water and found a life preserver to keep us afloat. Even though our relief might be a temporary fix, we feel back in the driver’s seat because our immediate sense of urgency has been calmed.

Another way we manage discomfort is to self-soothe in positive ways including: nurturing rituals, affirming self-talk, gratitude, spiritual practices, doing fun things, and connecting with uplifting friends. Or, we can negatively self-soothe through addictive behaviors such as: overeating, drinking, overspending, and overworking that ultimately sabotages our intentions. Sweets, carbs, and junk food are a great way to numb out. Repression becomes an automatic response to discomfort; a powerfull coping mechanism to manage whatever we want to avoid seeing, feeling, or thinking about. Numbing is a way we “get rid” of any feeling we don’t want to deal with. We know that we are choosing to do or not do will probably lead to regret and self-condemnation and we do it anyway…

What about the subtle unconscious ways our fears operate beneath the surface of our minds to create chinks that weaken our inner foundation and begin the erosion of our commitments?

Common forms of self-sabotage:

* Negative procrastination – wasting time, putting obstacles in the way of taking action towards goals, making excuses for delays, rationalizations, and creating confusion.
* Avoidance – getting sick, changing the subject, leaving the room/phone call, poor eye contact, being too busy, getting distracted, keeping people at a distance (emotionally, physically, spiritually), indirect or vague communication, putting things off due to discomfort or overwhelm, and excessive sleeping.
* Destructive habits – addictive behaviors, dishonesty, overindulgence, clutter, disorganization, overspending, overeating, overbooking, and self-neglect.
* Irresponsibility – excessive debt, risky behavior, lateness, missed appointments and deadlines, over-promising and under-delivering, breaking agreements/promises, forgetfulness, and tolerating things.
* Putting others before YOU – people-pleasing, remaining in harmful situations, inability to set and maintain personal boundaries, putting the needs of others before your own, and compliance.
* Negative self-talk – Shoulds, coulds, ought tos, musts, self-criticism and judgments, anticipating or expecting the worst vs. the best, scaring yourself with worst case scenarios, talking yourself out of trusting yourself, your wisdom and instincts, creating confusion, minimizing and devaluing goals….
* Living in drama – making the situation worse or bigger than it really is. Going into “your story” vs. what is really happening or true. Being in your story means, the energy is focused on the pain, difficulty, PROBLEM, old patterns of reacting that makes the situation overwhelming, impossible, HUGE, hopeless, pointless, powerless. This is a great way to abandon goals and works in tandem with negative self-talk and fears.

If we have become attuned to our “management patterns”, we can recognize the signals and use tools to restore a sense of inner calm and perspective without costing us additional stress or pain. (Tip: Slow deliberate breathing and bringing your attention to the here and NOW are two shifting practices that can reduce the intensity of fear. Fear thoughts focus on the future and coming back to the present is key.)